I want to be sure to record the experiences of the past few weeks, because I have to hope that the lessons from them will serve us forever.
However, it is also challenging to write down what we have been experiencing - because it is an emotional and anxious and crazy and kind of scary time, and putting it to words reminds me of my terrible inability to make decisions.
But even as I write this, I kind of smile - I would never trade the opportunity we have had to make decisions, which makes our lives emotional and crazy and kind of scary. God has blessed us so much with wonderful opportunities, and with the sometimes difficult agency that accompanies those opportunities. I am grateful that He is invested enough in us enough to stretch us.
So Taylor and I are trying to know which step to take next, after this semester ends. We have applied to Medical School, but don't know if and when we will be accepted. I am in the first year of graduate school - so his schooling very much affects mine. I was offered my dream internship - and a day after, Taylor was offered his dream internship...in a different country. And somehow, all of our choices have time frames that exclude the others. So now we are trying to think of money, mcat, masters, medical school, potential motherhood, return to mission, 'mazing internships....lots of things to consider. We keep trying to measure our options, but the options aren't really empirical How do you measure experience against security, responsibility against risk?
I have been going nuts. I like to plan, and know where I am going. I spoke to the professor I TA for last week, and he offered very sage advice. He suggested that this is the purpose - and the value - of mortality. Mortality means uncertainty, but it also means agency and faith and individuality.
Poor Taylor, must be going nuts living with me - I am a basket case.
We tried to drown our sorrows in El Gallo Giro....but not even a mole burrito could make us forget that we are tiptoeing into adulthood, and we have to make real decisions!
The highlight of all of this - Taylor and I are able to experience it together. I feel closer to him, now that are lives are becoming even more intertwined. There is an interdependence to marriage that I didn't anticipate, and that is incredible. I feel grateful, happy....and still anxious.