Tonight I just wanted Emmeline's dad to come home. But after I threw my tantrum, I realized how grateful I am he went away.
So I am a very happy girl, with a charmed life. I have nothing to complain about. Even given all our blessings, or maybe because of, I feel pretty overwhelmed these days. Having a newborn has rocked my world, and getting little sleep has really affected my ability to cope with school and work and motherhood. I lose patience so easily. Thankfully, I don't feel irritated with Emmeline. Unfortunately, I often feel irritated with myself. The only time I feel like I can focus on my homework or clean my house or just take care of myself is when Taylor comes home from work to be with Emmeline. I am grateful to have his help while I am in school, before he gets focused in his schooling.
I have a big assignment due Wednesday, and an unusually fussy baby the last couple days. She has been so restless, and consolable only when I walk around with her. I feel so guilty trying to do other things, when she needs attention. We FaceTimed Taylor, waiting for him to be done with his experiments so he could come home. I counted down the minutes. And truly, when he walked in the door, I was finally able to get school work done without feeling guilty for focusing on something other than my babe.
And then, after just an hour, he left to go home teaching. I had no problem with that - I am glad he takes his priesthood commitments seriously. But as the minutes ticked by, and he was gone longer and longer, I felt myself get so irritable. Even angry. My baby was screaming, my homework was laughing at me, the dishes were heckling me, the unfolded laundry tripping me, and the emails from my boss staring at me. Irrationally, I felt abandoned. He was off, doing what he needed to do, and I was at home convinced that I wouldn't be able to finish my last semester of grad school. I felt like he was off serving other people, when I NEEDED him at home. I need to be served! And with my anger, the spirit that his service brings our home left.
I don't want to feel needy, or irritable. Because truthfully, Taylor is the man I love and admire because of how he respects the Priesthood power he has been given. I want him to serve other people. I want to share him. I want to want to feel that way always. I remember a Relief Society lesson I sat in when I visited Reno several years ago. Sister Manning taught on how we can really support our husbands in their priesthood responsibilities. She shared stories of raising children while her husband was a Bishop. She talked of how he was often away serving others when she felt like she needed him at home, but how their family was always blessed (at least that was the message I took away). I don't know why that lesson has stuck with me - I wasn't married when I heard it - but it is applicable. I hope that Taylor has more opportunities to serve, and I anticipate that they will be more time consuming than an hour long home teaching lesson. But for him to serve, I need to be the wife that supports. I need to let him serve. I need to not demand his service for myself, but share.
So I guess I have a little repenting to do. I am too blessed to feel sorry for myself. As much as I want him to come home, I prefer that he go out and be the servant that he needs to be. And I am oh so grateful for FaceTime.